Continuing our series “Beyond the Screen- Rediscovering Fitrah and addressing the offline Challenges in Parenting,” we now address two deeply sensitive and challenging topics that many Muslim parents face today: self-pleasure (masturbation) and Qawm Lut (LGBTQ+) issues. In an age where information—and misinformation—are just a click away, our children encounter influences seen and unseen that can confuse their fitrah and challenge their iman.
The Reality of Liberal Society’s Approach to Teenage Sexuality
It is odd how liberal society teaches teenagers to desire sex without commitment. But how is this pleasure-seeking life advice working for young people in the West?
Unfortunately, many American teenagers — particularly girls — are unhappy with their lives and are facing depression.
Anxiety and depression aren’t the only concerns. The Pew Research Center found that significant shares of teens say drug addiction (51%) and alcohol consumption (45%) are major problems among their peers.
Even more alarming is the rise in sexual assault among teenage girls. A study in the U.K. revealed that one in three teenage girls has suffered sexual abuse from a boyfriend, and one in four has experienced violence in a relationship. Professor David Berridge of Bristol University said:
“The high rate and harmful impact of violence in teenagers’ intimate relationships, especially for girls, is appalling… It was shocking to find that exploitation and violence in relationships start so young.”
“I only went out with him for a week. And then, because I didn’t want to have sex, he just started picking on me and hitting me.”
Sexual Assault and the Dangerous Premise of Casual Sex
Today, it is difficult for young women to express dissatisfaction with the sexual arrangement society expects them to accept. This arrangement instructs them to forego their well-being to indulge hedonistic desires and remain competitive in the dating market.
But casual sex is a risky pastime. Rape and sexual harassment are ubiquitous. In the United States, a rape occurs approximately every 1 to 2 minutes. Shockingly, 70% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. Worldwide, an estimated 35% of women have experienced sexual harassment at some point.
Tragically, women continue to be assaulted in the twenty-first century.
The Islamic Perspective on Masturbation
Masturbation, the act of self-stimulation to achieve sexual pleasure, is a topic often avoided in open discussion, but is very real among youth. Classical Islamic scholars differ on its ruling, with many advising abstinence except in extreme cases to prevent zina (unlawful sexual relations).
The Quran does not mention masturbation explicitly, but it does emphasise guarding one’s chastity:
“And those who guard their chastity, except with their wives or those whom their right hands possess—for indeed, they are not to be blamed.”
— (Al-Mu’minun, 23:5-6)
Scholars derive rulings from such verses and Prophetic traditions that promote lowering the gaze and fasting to control desires.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
“O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it will help lower their gaze and guard their chastity; but those who cannot should fast, for fasting diminishes sexual desire.”
— (Bukhari, Muslim)
Why discuss it openly? Because silence often breeds shame, guilt, and secrecy, which can harm mental and spiritual health. Educating youth about their fitrah, providing permissible outlets, and encouraging spiritual and physical discipline are keys to navigating these feelings.
The Challenge of Qawm Lut (LGBTQ+) in the Muslim Community Today
The story of the people of Lut (Qawm Lut) is one of the clearest Quranic condemnations of homosexual acts:
“Indeed, you approach men with desire, instead of women. Rather, you are a transgressing people.”
— (Ash-Shu’ara, 26:165-166)
Islam firmly upholds marriage as between a man and a woman and views sexual relations outside this bond as sinful.
However, in today’s hyper-connected world, many young Muslims encounter LGBTQ+ identities and communities online and offline, sometimes leading to confusion or internal conflict.
Our responsibility as parents and community members is not to reject our children or youth but to guide them with compassion, wisdom, and clear Islamic principles. Condemnation without care can alienate and push them further from the deen.
Gender Identity and the Reality of LGBTQ+
Famous figures like Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox highlight how some men identify as women, undergoing extreme procedures to change their bodies. These individuals are diagnosed with gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder.
It is crucial to remember:
Your gender or sexuality is not your defining feature. It’s just one aspect of you.
In Islam, all people are born equal in Allah’s eyes. The only distinguishing trait is righteousness (taqwa):
“O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you.”
— (Al-Hujurat, 49:13)
When a person rejects Allah’s guidance, they lose their true purpose and chase fleeting happiness through desires, materialism, appearance, and identity changes. Taqwa is what truly elevates a person, not gender or sexuality.
The essence of Islam is to control our desires and align them with Shariah. Desires do not define a person; conquering urges contrary to our faith establishes piety.
For a more detailed understanding of Islamic rulings on LGBTQIA+, we recommend reading the 2022 fatwa by Dr. Yasir Qadhi for the Fiqh Council of America, available online.
Everybody’s Talking About Jamie — A Cultural Reflection
The movie Everybody’s Talking About Jamie tells the story of Jamie, a gay boy dreaming of being a drag queen, and his friend Pritti, a Muslim girl who supports him despite her faith.
As Muslim parents, this portrayal raises serious questions:
Can a Muslim be an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community?
Should we uplift friends who disobey Allah?
Would we encourage zina in our friends?
Islam teaches us to love people more than chastise them. The LGBTQIA+ community faces discrimination, and we should help them with kindness. Yet, Quranic guidance is clear:
“And [remember] Lut, when he said to his people, ‘Do you commit immorality while you see (one another)?’”
— (An-Naml, 27:54-55)
Lut’s wife was an ally to the sinful people, and she faced the same punishment (Hud, 11:81). We must not follow in her footsteps.
If we truly care for our friends, we explain that Allah created men and women to be attracted to each other and provided marriage as the lawful way to fulfil love and intimacy.
The Need for Authentic Muslim Representation
Muslim youths are often portrayed as falling in love with non-Muslims, partying, and ignoring hijab, yet without showing Muslim characters who happily obey Allah despite challenges.
We must create authentic Muslim media portraying our values clearly, not compromising to fit secular standards. Seeking approval by lowering our principles leads us away from Allah’s path:
“And never will the Jews or the Christians approve of you until you follow their religion.”
— (Al-Baqarah, 2:120)
Practical Guidance for Parents: Navigating These Issues with Wisdom
1. Open and Compassionate Dialogue
Encourage your children to share their feelings and questions without fear of harsh judgment. Explain Islamic teachings clearly but kindly, avoiding shame or anger.
2. Promote Spiritual and Physical Discipline
Encourage fasting, prayer, and healthy physical activities to manage sexual urges. If masturbation is a struggle, remind them of the Prophet’s advice to fast and seek Allah’s help.
3. Educate on Islamic Sexual Ethics
Teach that sexual pleasure is a blessing when experienced within halal boundaries—marriage between a man and a woman. Emphasize that Islam recognizes human weakness but offers a path to spiritual purification.
4. Address LGBTQ+ Confusion with Care
If your child or youth expresses confusion or identifies as LGBTQ+, respond with patience and love. Help them learn about Islamic teachings and support them in seeking counseling with trusted scholars or Muslim counselors specialized in these matters.
5. Guard the Environment
Limit exposure to harmful or misleading content online through parental controls and by promoting halal alternatives for education and entertainment.
Case Study 1: Sarah’s Challenge
Sarah, a 16-year-old, struggled with feelings she did not understand after seeing LGBTQ+ content online. Confused and fearful, she hid her feelings from her parents. After attending a community counseling session, Sarah found a safe space to ask questions and learn about Islam’s mercy and guidance. With ongoing support, she regained confidence in her Muslim identity and faith.
Case Study 2: Yusuf’s Struggle with Masturbation
Yusuf, aged 19, felt ashamed after repeatedly engaging in masturbation. Through mentorship and encouragement to fast and pray, he gradually controlled his impulses. His parents’ non-judgmental support and open conversations helped him feel hopeful rather than guilty.
Below are sample scripts for sensitive, age-appropriate conversations between parents and children about masturbation. These scripts are designed to promote openness, reduce shame, and align with Islamic values of modesty, self-control, and compassion.
Talking to your children:
Parent:
“As salam alakum, I wanted to talk about something that many young people experience but don’t always feel comfortable discussing — masturbation. It’s a natural feeling that comes with growing up, but it’s important to understand how Islam guides us in managing our desires.”
Child:
“Um, okay. I’ve heard about it but I’m not sure if it’s allowed or not.”
Parent:
“It’s good you’re asking. Scholars have different opinions, but most agree that it’s better to avoid it if possible because Islam encourages us to guard our modesty and control our desires. The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised young people to marry if they can, or to fast to help control their impulses.”
Child:
“But what if I feel urges and can’t get married yet?”
Parent:
“That’s very common. When you feel that way, try to keep busy with beneficial activities like praying, reading Quran, exercising, or fasting. It takes time and effort, but with patience and Allah’s help, it gets easier. And remember, you can always come to me with questions or worries — no shame or embarrassment.”
Child:
“Yes, I know it’s talked about sometimes, but it’s hard to manage.”
Parent:
“I understand. The Prophet (peace be upon him) told us to marry if we can, and if not, to fast as a way to reduce sexual desire. Masturbation isn’t clearly mentioned in the Quran, but many scholars discourage it because it can lead to feelings of guilt and distance us from Allah.”
Child:
“What if I slip up? I feel bad afterward.”
Parent:
“Allah’s mercy is vast. If you make a mistake, turn to Him in repentance and try again to improve. Don’t let guilt overwhelm you — instead, focus on strengthening your faith, praying, and seeking help if needed. We’re here to support you, not judge.”
Child:
“I’m scared to talk about it because I might get in trouble.”
Parent:
“You won’t get in trouble for being honest. We all face challenges, and what matters is how we handle them. If you ever feel confused or overwhelmed, come to me or a trusted counselor. Together, we can find ways to stay on the right path and keep our hearts connected to Allah.”
Child:
“Okay, I’ve heard about gender identity, but I don’t really understand what it means.”
Parent:
“Great! So, gender identity is about how someone feels inside regarding being male, female, or something else. In Islam, we believe that Allah created men and women with specific roles and purposes. The story of Qawm Lut teaches us about the consequences of going against Allah’s guidance regarding relationships.”
Child:
“But what if someone feels different? Is that wrong?”
Parent:
“It’s important to be compassionate. People might struggle with their feelings, and it’s normal to have questions. We should always approach others with kindness while remembering that Islam guides us on how to live our lives. It’s okay to talk about feelings, but we also need to uphold our values.”
Child:
“I’ve seen a lot about Qawm Lut online. Some people say it’s okay to identify differently, but I’m not sure what to think.”
Parent:
“It’s good to question and seek understanding. Islam teaches us that every person is valuable, but it also has clear guidance about gender and relationships. The story of Qawm Lut shows us the consequences of straying from Allah’s path.”
Child:
“What if someone I know identifies as LGBTQ+? How should I respond?”
Parent:
“Responding with compassion is key. It’s important to listen to their feelings. However, we must also gently remind them of our beliefs. You should not have to compromise your values. Encourage them to seek knowledge and guidance from Islam.”
Child:
“I feel like there’s so much pressure from society to accept everything. It’s hard to know what’s right.”
Parent:
“It can be overwhelming. Remember, Islam guides us on how to navigate these issues. We should approach these topics with empathy while holding onto our beliefs. If you ever feel unsure, we can seek knowledge together.”
Key Points to Include in Conversations:
Normalize the experience as a natural part of growing up without encouraging the behavior.
Emphasize Islamic teachings on self-control, modesty, and the benefits of fasting and marriage.
Offer practical advice on managing urges through spirituality and healthy distractions.
Encourage openness and remove stigma or shame.
Remind of Allah’s mercy and the importance of repentance if mistakes happen.
The Prophetic Example: Mercy Over Judgment
Remember the Prophet’s compassionate approach to those struggling with sin. He never ridiculed but guided with wisdom and dua:
“O Allah! Forgive their sins, purify their hearts, and strengthen their faith.”
As Muslim parents, our role is to emulate this mercy while upholding truth.
Personal Dua
O Allah, guide our youth through the trials of this world. Purify their hearts, strengthen their iman, and grant us wisdom and patience to guide them with mercy and truth. Protect them from confusion and harm, and keep them firm upon Your path. Ameen.
Sayyida Al Salaam
Certified Australian Muslimah Counselor
Qalaq Al Nafsi
help@qalaqalnafsi.com
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